Today I weighed myself…
I haven’t weighed myself in probably over two years. It’s not something I take part in. From years of self-worth found in being skinny and continually telling the joke that “being skinny is all I had going for me” since I always felt there were always a million other girls a million times more beautiful than I, I came to a breaking moment where I knew the scale had to go. Not that I ever owned one, but when the temptation was around– at a friends house or my parents– I’d have to fight hard to stay away.
You see, for some strange reason, I always had this mentality that if I weighed over a certain weight, that was it! The one thing I had going for me would be gone and who was I to be then? As I became an adult, and metabolism and life did their things, I clearly gained weight– and it was always a struggle to see. I remember going to a doctor in Hamilton to get a regular prescription renewed… I took a step onto the scale to see 125lbs. Obviously, I didn’t take into consideration that a) I wasn’t 18 anymore and b) it was fall and I was in a sweater, scarf, light jacket and boots on top of my regular clothes.
It was heartbreaking.
I remember crying.
I remember wondering how this happened.
I was like for every pound I gained I lost a piece of my worth as a person.
To anyone who saw me I was still a small person. I worked out so weight gain is to be expected as muscles grow… and it’s not like those 15 pounds were gained in an unhealthy time frame. I remember weighing in at 112lbs years before while at a friends house and thinking “yikes! Guess I should do cardio!”
This story, unfortunately, is commonplace.
Women are continually told their value increases as their waist decreases… bonus point if your chest and booty can increase as your waist decreases. Fake eyelashes, nails, hair, boobs, lips– it’s what we are told gives us value and worth in society.
I decided one day I needed to stop, that this was ridiculous, and that it was time to make the decision to change from the inside out. I put aside the workout DVD’s, the Pinterest boards, the self-love books and I did what I knew I needed to do to find my self-worth.
I began to root my value in being a daughter of God. I decided to no longer weigh myself– to workout to be healthy, to understand that as you age your body changes, to base my progress of workouts on how clothing fits, not the scale. I decided to enjoy life and eat cupcakes and candy and not think “ugh, I can’t because I don’t want to gain weight”, but to fuel my body with good food and treats because life is worth enjoying. Enjoying life means enjoying it where you are, not if you were 10 pounds lighter.
Through yoga, I became impressed with this body of mine. Headstands are something I love and who knew I could ever be strong enough to do it! The challenge of boot camp where I tend to think “I can’t do it”, but then I try and more often than not I can and it’s incredible that my body can do all these things!
I did devotions where I was continually reading over and over and over and over again that my value comes from Christ.
Eventually, I could look in the mirror and not see things I disliked but could look and just see me, all of me, as a whole, not pieces of imperfection but a work of art crafted by hands of love and strength and grace and mercy.
Soon I could feel the beauty of a healing heart radiate from the inside where I’d walk with a smile and catch a glimpse of myself walking and think “Wow, I feel better than I look!” Isn’t that a true joy? To really begin to feel the truth that the body will fade but your soul will live forever with Christ and that’s where true beauty lives?
Today I weighed myself.
It was after a spaghetti dinner at my parents’ new house, I hadn’t worked out in a couple days, was drinking soda and regardless of these facts that would usually make any fitness fiend cringe, was feeling confident enough to think “110 or 125 or more it doesn’t even matter, but it’s interesting to know.”
The number doesn’t matter.
What does is the fact I’ve come so far.
I’ve become intentional with the thoughts I have towards myself, trying to always speak positively, even with injuries that make doing activities that once came easy impossible, and to remember that I am a masterpiece God created, my value is in Him and ONLY Him, and radiating from the inside out is what matters most!