Filling the Expectation Gap

The expectation gap can simply be defined as the gap betweenwhat we expect to happen, and what actually occurs. The gap between what weexpect to happen and what actually happens is a space we easily fill, oftenwithout giving it a second thought. Our minds immediately start racing as soonas an expected outcome doesn’t occur; “What happened?”, “Where are they?”,“What are they doing?”… The list of questions can be endless, and will varyfrom situation to situation. While this gap naturally occurs when an expected outcome doesn't come to life, the emotions you choose to fill the gap with is really the important thing.

When I lived in Winnipeg, Manitoba, my wonderful husband,some awesome friends, and I attended Oasis Community Church. To this day Idon’t know if I’ve been involved in another church that was exactly what Ineeded the way Oasis was. The messages were easy to understand, practical toapply, and scripture was always backed up with perspective on culture and lifein general when it was written thousands of years ago. Context was always given and to this day, thatis something I always both appreciate and seek out in a message I am listeningto.

During a series on Marriage at Oasis, Dustin (the awesomepastor) had given a message on Expectations. Oh boy, was it a good one! Thismessage stuck with me and is something I wouldn’t say I think about regularly,but when I start to fill my expectation gap with negative thinking, the wordswhich were spoken pop into my head and I snap myself out of it-- I remove thenegative thinking and replace it with positive.

Bridget and I at her wedding. Photos by the always gorgeous Steph Schulz Photography.

One of my closest friends was married this past June and Iwas honoured to be a bridesmaid and give the ‘Toast to the Bride”. My beautifulbride of a friend and her husband both attend and volunteer at Oasis—the samechurch I attended when I was living in Winnipeg. When Dustin spoke during theceremony, his main message was about filling the expectation gap.

I found this to be extremely amazing for a few reasons;

1. It’s a great message and one I am reminded of as I goabout life.
2. It’s applicable in all relationships from businessrelationships with co-workers, to relationships with friends, family andespecially the marriage relationship.
3. I had recently chatted with one of my best friends about the very same topic!  

We all have expectations. Even those who say they don’t expect anything are still expectingnothing! When you expect something, it can be quite the alarming experiencewhen your expectation isn’t met. Let’s create an example to help you understandmore clearly…

Say your significantother says they are going to be home at a certain time. You clean up the place,make dinner, and are ready and anxiously awaiting their arrival. Their expectedarrival time comes and goes and you are left waiting. Perhaps you send a textinquiring for a new ETA and you don’t hear back.

What’s your reaction? How do you fill the gap now leftbetween the expectation and reality?

Often, an immediate reaction is to fill it with somethingnegative:

‘They must be working late and didn’t think of telling me”

“They wentout not caring to let me know or invite me”

The list of negative gap fillers can go on and on and get evenmore negative and disrespectful. Now that you have this negative mindset, whenyour significant other comes home your mood is sour, your mind is stillspinning all these elaborate stories of things that could have happened, andyou feel betrayed and alone.

No matter what the real reason of the unmet expectation,your negative mindset is already setting the other person up to fail in youreyes. They can say ‘Sorry I got caught up in the office and my phone died so Icouldn’t text you.”, “Crazy traffic today!”, “I gave so-and-so a ride homeafter work.”  Even though all these responses are completely legitimatereasons, they can be viewed as “yea, whatever” reasons to you, because in your mind, the dish already ran away with the spoon and you’re the fork no one wants feeling left out of the information loop.

What would happen if you filled the same expectation gapwith positivity?

“Traffic could be really bad right now”

“Their phone isalways dying and they probably just can’t text me to tell me what’s up”

“I’vebeen leaving hints about wanting flowers lately, maybe they are out getting mesome!” (the last one is how I often fill my gap hehehe). 

Even thinking asimple “I trust my significant other, they love and respect me, I knoweverything is all good” is enough to leave you feeling positive even though yourexpectations aren’t being met, and won’t leave you in a bitter mood for when theydo arrive home.

Dustin used some funny examples during the ceremony—one wasof Bridget perhaps going on a shopping spree and Jay not knowing why. Another was of Jaycoming from work late and Bridget not knowing why. Before you assume thenegative, expect the positive, and be open to conversation to find outwhat really happened.

Too often this negative mind-set so easily fills ourthoughts, and the positive doesn’t even get a chance to sneak in. When thingsare weird at work the gap can be filled with thoughts of getting fired or everyone talking about you behind your back; whenthings don’t go as expected with friendships thoughts of jealousy or envy can creepin; in your closest relationships, those negative thoughts can spread outinto every part of your daily living. Who knows, perhaps the other partyinvolved in meeting your expectation had no idea an expectation even existed(which can be common—especially in new relationships!)!

Let’s all vow to fill the expectation gap with the positive.It’s good for you, for your relationships, and you’ll actually feel thedifference in your actions, your decisions and your responses. Next time younotice a negative thought creep in when your expectations aren’t met, fill itwith the positive and make a note to talk to the other party about yourexpectations and why they weren’t met. Communication is so important and will make you realize you probably hadno reason to worry and be negative in the first place!

Thanks Pinterest!

When have you filled the expectation gap with negativethoughts? Did you see how the negativity flowed into your interactions and moodfor the rest of the day? When have you filled the gap with the positive, and have you felt the difference? Positivity for the win!